Category: Parenting

Autism Vs Social Media… The ongoing battle!

I’m sure you’ll agree, teenagers and social media are not a great mix.  I don’t know what they get up to on their phones at that age, but with all the trolling and the ‘haters gonna hate’ mentality, it’s a brutal world online for a young, impressional teenager.  Add into the mix the Autism (Aspergers) aspect and it can be a recipe for disaster.

For months and months, I was debating whether letting my daughter have social media on her phone was a good thing or not.  Up until just before Christmas we’d had a few occasions where she was not using the phone appropriately.

This wasn’t anything really bad at the beginning, mainly over messaging people, declaring her undying love to her best friends (who aren’t actually her best friends) and asking people to say ‘ilysm’…  (that’s ‘I Love You So Much’ to anyone not down with the lingo!).

However, Ellie had also put out a couple of posts asking if people would miss her ‘if she died’.  This upset me so much, as not only is she opening up herself to piss take, but worse still, showing everyone how vulnerable she is and leaving herself wide open to bullying and, it’s too horrifying to think about, but also ‘grooming’.

I had a strong word with her about what doing this could result in with negative comments from people etc and asked if her friends write this sort of thing. Not surprisingly, the answer was NO.   We had tears, apologies galore and an assurance that it wouldn’t happen again.

Well, guess what, it did happen again.  Several times!  Dressed up slightly differently but the tone was the same. Thankfully, I have friends with sensible children who keep an eye out and let them know if something like this goes out.

At Christmas time enough was enough.  It didn’t seem to matter how many times I explained that she must not do this, it wasn’t going in… so the phone was taken away until further notice.

Things plodded along as they normally do (hormones plunging up and down like a rollercoaster) but without the phone Ellie got even obsessed with her other love… Coronation Street! Watching old episodes from the past, over and over! I’ve really not got a problem with this – maybe it’s her connection to my Mum (I’ve not watched it for a few years now since the Hayley cancer storyline). So most conversations at the start of the year involved the names Carla Conner and David & Kylie Platt… but if it keeps her happy and calm, I’m was going with it.

We got to the end of February and had a weekend away visiting friends over in Wales, so we decided that Ellie would be allowed her phone back (purely for selfish reasons – the ability to drink Gin in relative peace) with strict instructions not to post stuff on Instagram like she did before.

Well, we had a brilliant weekend away… a lot of Gin was consumed (there’s a drunk video somewhere on Facebook), George played with his two buddies and Ellie kept herself entertained on her phone.

Having said I would be checking her phone, I didn’t get around to doing it after our weekend away and it wasn’t until the following Friday that I got a phone call from a friend who had been given the heads up that Ellie was putting ‘what if I died’ messages on again.

We were devastated, and bloody fuming!  I looked up her account on Instagram and saw what she had been putting. I went up to her room and frankly, lost my shit!  More tears, more sorry (not sorry).  The phone and the Kindle (which I’d forgotten had IG on) was taken away…. again!

All was going well until the following weekend when she had gotten devious.  I’d asked a dozen times for Ellie to pick up her stuff on her bedroom floor, like you do when you have a messy teenager, and in the end I went up to make her bed and pick up her crap. On pulling back her duvet back, there was the bloody Kindle! WTF!  Not only that, but she had been on IG, changed her username and continued using it. Sneaky cow!

Thinking that I would hit her where it hurts (not literally), but in terms of consequences, it was time to get real!  I was going to take away… CORONATION STREET!… along with The Ingham Family (her other obsession).  This meant a weeks TV ban in her room and no ‘Corrie’ or ‘Ifam’ downstairs.  I also told her that if I caught her watching it,the ban would increase to two weeks, then three weeks!

In the end, the ban went on for four weeks!  From sneaking the TV on, pinching her brother’s remote, and going through my drawers looking for her phone, the TV ended up coming off the wall!  She literally had m no sense of consequence for her actions.

I suppose that’s how it is though. If you think teenagers think the world revolves around them, an Autistic teenager, well certainly mine, thinks the entire Universe begins and starts with them! If she wants to do something, then why shouldn’t she do it?!

So, four weeks without TV upstairs and no social media!  Pure Hell?  Actually no.  It was really nice to have her company and the Easter holidays were so much calmer than any other holiday we’ve had, plus I didn’t have any conversations about how missed Deirdre Barlow is!

From last weekend, the four weeks were up! The phone reluctantly came back, but the only thing on it now is messages and YouTube so she can watch her Ingham Family.  The parental lock has been put on and social media apps removed.

I felt a little mean doing this, but amazingly, Ellie has said that she is much happier not having Social Media in her life.  I don’t know if this is lip service but I’m going with it.  I just need to remember to check that bloody phone each night!

The ironic thing in all this, is that I have just completed a six month course to become a Social Media Manager, so its so hard for me to practice what I preach! I’ve constantly got my phone in my hand!  Difference is, “this is for work”!! 😬🤥

Like with most things in life, it’s a case of do what I say, not do as I do!

I’m sure the social media will make its way back in the future, but for now, I’m loving her not having it!

Until next time,

Love and hugs xxx

 

Reflection & Intention… not New Year Resolutions!

happy new year decorative plate

Photo by JESHOOTS.com on Pexels.com

Well, here we are again at another New Year! It doesn’t feel like five minutes ago since we were sweating our arses off in the hottest summer since 1976 and hoping that football was finally coming home… and we’re still hoping!

The Christmas break certainly gives us the chance to reflect over the past year and look at our achievements, our challenges and how we can make the next year even better…. along with drinking our body weight in Gin and eating the entire box of Thornton’s chocs (just saying!).

I know that things for me have been a little easier this year compared to last.  We had such a tough time with Ellie in 2017 and this year has certainly been a lot calmer for her… that’ll be the hormones settling down! We also had one of the best holidays this year in terms of managing expectations and stresses for Ellie. We had an amazing two weeks in Orlando, something that is usually tinged with a fair amount stress and a good deal of Bud Light at the end of the day… but on this holiday, we didn’t do half the parks (no Disney) and it was a much better experience for us (if you’ve never been, you really have to do Disney!).

The biggest thing to happen for me this year was following my dream of working for myself. I’ve always wanted to do it, but had no idea what I would do!  So having been employed all my life, I made the jump this year to become self employed.

After a six months intensive course I graduated as a social media manager which complements my experience in being a personal assistant.  I’ve been going for six months now and all is great – I’m out there networking, meeting new people and working hard for my clients.

Another massive reason why this year feels so much better, is that I’ve learnt to practice gratitude. Yes, you really can practice it… daily!  I’ve been learning this on the course I’ve been doing on ‘self mastery’. 

It’s not just about thinking someone has it worse than you when the chips are down… but about being thankful for what you have every single morning as you wake to a brand new day.  The warm bed that you sleep in, the body that is working for you as you rise out of bed, your healthy children sleeping in their beds, your partner lying next to you, the water free flowing from your bathroom tap etc etc. Just try this as you wake in the morning… its a real game changer!

Along with starting the day in a thankful state of mind, I have also been learning about ‘affirmations’ and how to use them to kick-start my working day in a positive way. These are words that have some significant meaning to me to affirm my intentions and how I want to feel ie; praised, balanced, marvelous!

Finally, there’s the power song! Music is such a powerful medium and can change our state of mind in just a few bars of a song.  Having a ‘theme song’ to ‘gee you up’ is also a great way to start the day.  When asked what my power-song would be, for me, it was a no-brainer. It had to be ‘What a Feeling’ by Irene Cara.  At first, I chose it because it was my mum’s favourite song, but it wasn’t until I looked at the lyrics, that I realised how fitting it was;

First, when there’s nothing
But a slow, glowing dream,
That your fear seems to hide,
Deep inside your mind…..
and she goes onto sing;
Take your passion,
And make it happen
Pictures come alive
You can dance right through your life.

Boom! and there it is! That song right there makes me believe that I can do anything I put my mind to, that I shouldn’t fear what people think of me, that I should be authentic to myself and not compare myself to anyone else.

Like most people, I usually start the year with New Year’s Resolutions… which normally comprise of having a nutrient packed smoothie each day, doing a workout everyday, and losing 7 lbs… no matter what weight I end the year on! But this year, I don’t plan to have resolutions… just intentions.

So, my intentions for 2019 are:

Not to compare myself to others… be authentic… believe in my abilities… and to take things one step at a time.

There’s also the usual drink more water, eat more greens, drink less booze, move more etc etc… but I do these things firstly for health, both physical and mental before vanity (most of the time!).

With lots of plans for the coming year, I am going to need my gratitude, my affirmations, my family, friends and of course that power song….and along with all the other things I have learnt over the past year, I know I am ready!

What are your intentions for the New Year?

Here’s to an amazing 2019… I hope to see you there!

Lots of love and best wishes,

TOMD xxxx

If you’d like to know more about the Self Mastery course I am doing, check out Andrea Callanan on Facebook! She’s bloody brilliant!!

Here’s the link…

https://www.facebook.com/AndreaCallananVoice/

Going with the flow & not sweating the small stuff at Christmas!

close up of christmas decoration hanging on tree
Photo by Gary Spears on Pexels.com

Excited for Christmas!

Actually, for the first time in a few years, I am excited for Christmas!

Not to sound like a miserable cow, but I must admit, the last couple of years have felt a bit shit without Mum being here. She was my Christmas. So much of how you celebrate the festive period is built around how you spent it as a child.  All the traditions, the smells, the songs, the 80’s brash decorations! I loved all of it!

I certainly don’t want this to be a sad blog just before Christmas, but I know a few people that are experiencing Christmas for the first time this year without one of their parents, or a parent that is incredibly ill, and I just want you to know that you’re in my thoughts.  It doesn’t seem like it now, but I want you to know that it does get just a little bit easier as the years pass.

Crying for Mum… or George Michael?

I can’t believe that this is the third Christmas without Mum. I remember the first one without her particularly well…  Ellie constantly raising her glass to Nanny – which felt like a knife to the gut every time she said it, and I remember it just feeling very empty without her there.

That first Christmas was also the year that George Michael died, on Christmas Day! I’d managed to pretty much hold myself together that whole day, but when hubby came in and told me he’d passed away, the flood gates open.  I’m not sure whether I was crying for Mum or George, but I just let it flow!

I was surprised at the resilience I found to get through the day… until I’d drunk my weight in gin and the news of George Michael passing away was announced! Your brain is a very powerful organ and it does everything it can to protect you – including pushing thoughts and feelings to the back of your mind so you can get on with life.  However, if you need to let those feelings out… do that too. My mantra was ‘just go with it’…. Your body will tell you what you need to do.

Saving Your Sanity

To be honest, the last few years, I’ve avoided doing some things that made me think of mum at Christmastime, like shopping trips.  It was just too hard to walk around and be reminded that Mum isn’t here. Seeing lots of mums and daughters picking out presents, having lunch with bags piled up next to them, I hated it! Thank goodness for Amazon – it’s been my saviour the last few years!  This year however, I did drag hubby for some Christmas shopping and all was fine. 

I suppose what I’m trying to say is, if you don’t feel like doing things because they feel too difficult, then don’t do them.  Look after your sanity – there’s always another year.

Just chill man!

I must admit, I have been a little more relaxed about Christmas this year.  I remember in the past, feeling very anxious in the lead up to it. I would want everything to be perfect, the house to be spotless, every eventually for food to be covered.  But this year, I’m a little more chilled.

When you think about it, Christmas Day is just another day. We get so bloody stressed about the whole occasion but how many of us think ‘thank f@ck for that’ when it’s all over? Every year I say, I’m not going to get so worked up over Christmas this year and that I will have everything done and dusted well in advance, but as I type this I still have a load of presents to wrap and a list of food shopping that I didn’t manage to get last night on ‘The BIG Shop’!  But it’s all good, it will get done at some point so there is no need to panic… and if I don’t have celery to stick under the turkey as it goes in the oven, Christmas will still be great, and nobody will actually give a shit!

Embrace the calm… while you can!

What has also helped with the feeling of Zen around this time of year, is that Ellie seems to be a little calmer.  Christmas is not always a great time for children (and adults) on the autistic spectrum.  For Ellie, the expectation is too much. She is still obsessed with what food is going to be eaten and when (that might come from me!) and gets excited/anxious about different things that are happening, but this year it just doesn’t feel quite so fraught.  Maybe my new Zen-like state just lets it all wash over me (along with flashing the ‘Vs’ behind the fridge door).  I also discovered the magic of Reiki this year… maybe that’s helped too!

Becoming a Self-Mastery Ninja!

I’ve also been doing a Self-Mastery course in the latter part of this year. 

In short, it looks at ‘your own life story’ and the struggles, celebrations, and the pivots in life that we all go through.  You then look at how you’ve behaved during the difficult times and look for patterns. Do you self-sabotage? Do you sit in denial? Do you move on quickly from something bad and not allow it to process? (I’m guilty of all of them!)

Learning to forgive, being mindful and practicing things like gratitude and self-care has been a big part of the course and I know it has helped me greatly over the past few months. Everything we have been through in our past, shapes who we are now, and this course has been invaluable to me in so many ways.

And finally…

If you’re still here at the end of this somewhat waffle-filled blog, I would just like to take this opportunity to thank you for sharing in my journey on the blog this year and wish you and your loved ones a Very Merry Christmas. Have fun, stay safe, don’t sweat the small stuff… and I’ll see you on the other side.

Love and hugs

TOMD xxx 🎅🏻❤️

George’s Hypno Journey… Part 2!

So, I’m back to finish the story about when we took our nine-year old son for hypnotherapy following his panic attacks about taking our little dog off her lead.

The first time we went, I can’t lie, George was a little giggly and I did suspect that he didn’t really ‘go under’. The massive panic attack and throwing himself on the floor that followed a week later, kind of confirmed it!

So, in the spirit of not giving up, I text the lovely Michelle at Fairy Heart Therapies and asked if we could come back to see her. Thankfully, George was very keen to do this too… he was desperate to get this problem sorted.

This time felt a little different.  It was all much more familiar and George wasn’t as giggly and excitable. He was more keen to get up on the ‘proper bed’, stick his head down the hole and get on with it!  Once lied on the couch, the warmth of the cabin and Michelle’s relaxing tone started to work its magic.  Michelle went through a similar scenario as before and George slowly felt his eyelids get heavier and heavier with each sentence.

There was no giggling and less twitching and moving as we went on. This felt a lot better.  Then things seem to shift and we both felt that he was ‘under’.  I’ve no idea if this is the right terminology, so I apologise for any hypnotherapy practitioners that are tutting right now! 😊

Michelle kneeled down, just under George’s ear and gently spoke about taking the dog out, about George loving watching her run in the park or on the beach.  How he didn’t feel panic, he felt only joy at watching her run around. Michelle stressed to him that he felt really really good watching her do this and how important it was for her to get exercise.

This went on for around five minutes and then George was counted out of his sleep, down from five… which he rose from on number three.  He stretched and smiled and when asked if he knew what Michelle said to him, he said ‘No’.  This was a good sign.

I didn’t want to waste any time, so when we got home we went to the park with the dog and did just one minute of letting her off then called her back and walked her the rest of the way around.  It was clear to see that the initial fear wasn’t half as bad as it was the last time we had done this.  We sent Michelle a pic of us as promised to show her we’d done a minute.  On the way back, George kept saying how good he felt about it… just like Michelle told him he would!

I didn’t want to rush George into anything after this and it was probably a week before we tried again for two minutes which we did on the way home from school.  Success again.

The third time we went out would now be for three minutes. We went over and got to the back of the park and let her off.  This time she ran over and said hello to another dog. Now was the time to really put this to the test as last time she did this George had screamed and frightened her off.  I must admit, I felt a little nervous at what his reaction would be.  I was shocked to see that he was cool as a cucumber.  He understood that she was just going over to say ‘hello’ and that she wasn’t going anywhere far. We must’ve done well over the three minutes before we called her back and walked back around the park.  I was buzzing… and so was George.

A week later we had friends to stay for the weekend and on the Saturday morning we once again took the dog to the park. George went off to play with his friends and I went and threw the ball with the dog.  Five minutes later, George came over and wanted to play ball with us… which he did for a good 15 minutes!  The timer wasn’t even on this time!  He was happy to take in turns throwing the ball and running around with her.

This was a MASSIVE achievement… and he loved it!  George couldn’t bare the thought of taking the dog out just a few weeks ago and now he was out playing with her and not even looking at the stop clock, counting down the seconds before he put her on the lead!

The final test we decided, was to take the dog to the beach and let her off and play.  Going somewhere a little less familiar would really test George’s fear and of course, his hypnotherapy treatment! So we jumped in our van a week later and headed to the beach.

Just as we pulled up, George started to complain of being extremely tired and not able to go! I don’t know if this was genuine, but I wasn’t going to pander to him and just said ‘the sooner we go, the sooner we can go back home’.   I don’t know what that was all about, but once we got on the beach and he saw how much fun Dusty was having in the sand, he got a ‘second wind’ and was absolutely fine. Phew!

We ran, we played and enjoyed every minute of being on that beach.  There was not one jot of anxiety or fear on George’s part… and for us, it felt like a massive weight had been lifted.

For us, hypnotherapy has most definitely helped our son with his anxiety and helped us move forward with some new family adventures!

A big thank you to Michelle at Fairy Heart Therapies for your time and patience with us.

You can also check out my blog all about me having Reiki with Michelle and how much it helps me to relax. 💗

Until next time,

Love & Hugs from TOMD xxx

🐶💗

George’s Hypno Journey… Part 1!

After a year of panic attacks, it was time to take some action to help my son get over his fear of letting our dog off her lead… so, after trying to solve the situation in a number of different ways with no success, we looked at Hypnotherapy!

For the last 14 months, my son George has found it impossible to cope when it comes to taking the dog out for a walk.  He could just about manage to walk her on the lead, but any time it came to taking her off the lead, he would suffer with severe panic attacks.  This trigger of panic all stemmed from an incident that happened when our dog was just a few months old.

One particular afternoon, our little puppy decided to follow some lads to the other side of the park and into the car park.  With the four of us all panicking, she bolted and ran across the road that our house sits on.  Thankfully a neighbour managed to secure her i in their garden and she was fine.

A few weeks later, we were out with her again and I’d persuaded George that everything was going to be ok.  He was very nervous about this and I’m sure the dog picked up on this.  As she ran across to greet another dog (which they do constantly when they’re puppies) George started to panic… and scream.  Our pup was having none of this and decided to run home – she literally took herself to our front door.  Sadly though, from that point on, George couldn’t cope with taking her out anymore.

We tried so many was to encourage George to let her off.  We’ve tried the softly softly approach to help gain his trust in her, tough love, persuasion and even bribery.  We went to an enclosed park space especially for dogs, but he wouldn’t entertain even getting out of the car!  As time went on, his anxiety only increased.  It got to a point where he would have a full on panic attack at the thought of taking her out.

I was at the end of my tether, and short of writing into ‘This Morning’ and asking that Speakman couple for help, I decided to look at getting George hypnotised.

Thankfully, I knew just the person to help…  I messaged my wonderful Reiki practitioner Michelle from Fairy Heart Therapies and got George booked in.

I can’t lie, having George be so afraid of taking the dog out has been quite a strain on the family.  We bought a campervan this year to replace our car and we envisaged having these wonderful adventures over the summer… running through forests and walking along beaches (all very idealistic and Instagram ready!).  But that just didn’t happen. We managed a few canal walks but that was about it.

George himself was really keen to get over his fear.  He so badly wanted to feel ok about taking our dog out and watching her run, but the memory of her running away as a four month old puppy would trigger the panic.  He was even a little excited to see Michelle and try some hypnotherapy!

‘The Cabin’ at Fairy Heart Therapies is a sanctuary of calm and warmth and George was very keen to get in and see Michelle.  When I say keen, I mean giggly, overexcited and not exactly in the right frame of mind to have hypnotherapy performed on him!  Michelle chatted for a little while about why he had come to see her and about his feelings and fears.

Michelle explained to George about why his brain kept reminding him about the scary situation with the dog and how she will be able to talk to this part of the brain and tell it to switch that feeling off.  She told him that she will explain to his subconscious part of his brain that Dusty (that’s the dog!) is ok and that he will not feel panic when she is taken off the lead.

Once George felt more relaxed, sat in the comfy chair, Michelle started to introduce an exercise that would help him focus on becoming sleepy… counting from 10 backwards and with each number his eyelids would get heavier and heavier.  George smirked and fidgeted and I was already starting to think he was just playing along.  Then Michelle moved onto another exercise, explaining that he was standing at the top of a flight of stairs and his eyes becoming heavier with each step.

He looked peaceful, but I still couldn’t tell if he was ‘under’ or not!  It all started to look promising… until he did a little smirk at the end and I wondered if anything had really happened. My heart sank.  Rightly or wrongly, I was pinning all my hopes on this working.

We then talked through some exercises we could do to help George with the panicky feeling.  Giving the feeling a colour and using our bodies to push the feeling away whilst repeating the mantra “keeping calm”.

Next day, on the way home from school, I decided to  walk with George and the dog around the park on the way home.  Just one minute at a time was the recommendation, so that’s what we did.  George did his deep breaths, pushing the anxious feeling up into his shoulders and down his arms and kept saying “keeping calm”.  We managed a minute before Dusty was back on the lead.  It was clear to see he was still struggling.

Any attempts over the coming days to go over the park was met with excuses.  A week later I approached the subject of taking the dog out… guess what happened… he had  complete meltdown!

We were back to square one!

To be continued…

Love and Hugs,

TOMD xxx

I’m a ‘Queen of Comparison’ living in Funksville!

I know… I’m talking in riddles again! Just hear me out on this one… it’ll be worth it!

Theodore Roosevelt once said ‘Comparison is the Thief of Joy’.  Well last week I really felt that someone had stolen my joy!  You could argue that I maybe it was ‘that time of my cycle’, but if you’ve read ‘Be Still My Beating Ovaries’ you’ll know that just isn’t happening (though I swear I still have some kind of ‘cycle’). Whatever was going on, I was really not happy and it’s all because of comparison… or as my mentor calls it ‘Comparisonitis’!

It all started with doing some research for my new business website.  I need to put an ‘offering’ together for the social media and virtual assistant services I am going to offer as part of my ‘Social in Somerset’ business (cheeky plug!) and I was checking out other websites offering similar.

I was in awe of what these different people had to offer.  PR, Marketing, Copy-writing all with years of experience and degrees in this, that and the other.  The more I looked, the more deflated I became!  Why would someone chose to work with me over some of these talented individuals?

I really did get myself into a right old funk! The problem with getting in a funk, it ends up being so debilitating.  No motivation, feeling exhausted for no good reason, no joy!  Teddy Roosevelt was right!

Think about how you feel sometimes when you flick through Instagram. Do you ever look at the pics that throw up on the ‘For You’ function and start to compare?  The perfect bodies (the whole place seems to be full of butts!), the beautiful tidy houses, the smoothies you should be making (which I did for the first month of the year!), the workouts you’re not doing and the gorgeous looking accounts that are killing it with their 50K followers!  Phew! That’s a whole lot of comparison going on right there!  No wonder I’m in a funk!

Don’t get me wrong, I love Instagram. It’s quite a friendly platform, especially when compared to Twitter (some days you could liken it to travelling on the London Underground!) but you can find yourself falling down the ‘Perfect World’ rabbit hole and feeling pretty shitty when you finally claw yourself back out!

If you’ve read previous blogs, you may remember that I am currently doing a self development course called ‘Get Excited About Your Life’.  In a nutshell, it uses your ‘life story’ to look at your behaviours, your triggers, your pivots within your life (both good and bad) and look to move on from the negative ways you feel, not only about yourself, but your business/work, relationships… basically your life!

What I’d been experiencing with the work thing was derived by fear.  I’m going through a pretty big change at the moment in terms of work.  Leaving my comfort zone of PA with a company and work colleagues I’d been with for 15 years and going out on my own offering a service I’ve recently qualified in.  Turns out that things that had happened way way back in my past,  (we’re talking 20+ years ago) had been triggered and all that self doubt and feeling of not being good enough came flooding back.

This stopped me moving forward with anything to do with my business.  The tasks I set myself for the week, I left. I did everything to avoid it.  I was afraid of being judged, afraid of not being good enough, afraid of failing. So if I don’t do it, I can’t fail can I?

So how do you get out of a funk?

Use Your Tribes…

We all have tribes in different areas of our lives… from our dearest friends, colleagues, exercise buddies, course cohorts… there should be no reason to deal with your funk on your own.  But if you do retract from the world when you find yourself in ‘Funksville’ with a serious case of Comparisonitis, there are other ways you can turn it around.

So, how do you drive yourself out of Funksville? 

So, with my head ready to take action, I confessed my feelings to my course cohort through the medium of ‘Facebook Live’ (I do love a FB Live!). Not only did this make me feel a lot better to say it out loud, but being vulnerable and truthful gives others permission to do the same and helps you to realise you are not alone.

Sometimes however, we can take up residence in Funksville.  We’re quite happy to sit in our pit of shit and wallow… and that’s ok, but sooner or later you really need to think about getting out.

If you don’t want to declare your feelings there is another way.

The quickest way out of Funksville is to head straight to Gratitude. 

Whilst you might be down in the dumps with whatever situation you’re in, you know that there is always someone in a worse situation than you.  When you start being grateful for what you have, rather than what you haven’t got, there is no room in your head for negative thinking.

Stop thinking about what you haven’t got and start thinking about what you have got.  Make a list… 20 things you are grateful for… Or on the flip side, you could think, I might X but at least I’m not X.  Once you start to do these things, your funk will start to clear, even if it’s just a little bit… just enough to get you out of Funksville!

On my course, I am just learning about how to use gratitude in every day life.  Just being thankful for breathing in and out without any problem whilst walking the dog today, something as simple as that can change your mindset from negative to positive.

So chat to your tribe, start making that list. Breathe in the fresh air and be grateful.

Until next time,

Love and hugs,

TOMD xxx

PS; Of course, I’m no expert on turning negatives to positives, this has simply been my experience over the past few days.  If you’re feeling more than just in a funk, go and talk to a professional.  Seek help.  It’s ok not to be ok and taking that first step of saying “I need help” is the biggest one you will take.

PPS; If Funksville looked like that picture, I don’t think I’d actually leave!

Be still my beating ovaries!

silhouette of man touching woman against sunset sky
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So, how did I come to the decision to have my ovaries removed?

Yes, you heard that right. At 37, I made the decision to have my ovaries removed… I went into hospital and had the old egg factory shut down for good!  It wasn’t quite as straight forward as that, so let me explain what happened.

I remember back in 2012 there being a lot on the news about the cancer gene BRCA1 and BRCA2 which are the genes that are recognised as the breast cancer gene. For a while there had been a lot of talk about how you could get tested if your family had a history of breast cancer and when I thought about it, this meant me!

My mum, whilst in her 40’s, had pre-cancer cells identified after a breast reduction operation – they were found in what the consultant took away (more details in my boobs blog).  My Nan had breast cancer, as did her sister.  There was only one other sister (my great Aunt) that had so far escaped.

For those carrying the gene, there was a very difficult decision to make considering whether they had surgery, or whether to have more regular check ups dependant on their chance of the gene turning into cancer

For me there was another reason why I wanted to look into this.  Mum was fighting ovarian cancer and there is a clear link between breast and ovarian cancer.  There was no way I would want to put myself at risk, especially with ovarian cancer being called ‘the silent killer’ due to its lack of symptoms in the early stages.

So, having made the decision to get our family history checked out, I went along to the GP who made a referral to the Genetics Department at the hospital.  What followed as a consultation to talk over my family history and an explanation of how our genetics work, what the process was, time frame etc. Then, with my mum’s agreement, they would need a blood sample from her to determine if she had the gene.

I then went onto see a consultant to discuss more about potential results and procedures. We discussed my family situation, my desires for any more children (NO WAY!) and what I would like to do if the result came back positive and negative.

It was explained to me that if the result came back positive, I would know for definite and could make a concrete decision on how far I would want to protect myself against cancer in the future.  If the result came back negative, it would mean that Mum didn’t carry any of the BRCA genes, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t carry another gene out there… they just haven’t found it yet!

Basically, I would be making a decision on either a definitely, or a maybe.  After several months of waiting for the results to come back, the latter was the reality I dealt with.

I was given an option to leave things be, but as there were no routine checks for ovarian cancer like there are for changes in the breast, this could be leaving things to an element of chance.  I was offered the option to have my ovaries removed on the basis that there might be another gene out there that my Mum could be carrying, therefore giving me a  50% chance of carrying it too!

After a lot of consideration, I decided to go ahead and have my ovaries removed.  My whole family were behind this decision especially my husband (nothing to do with the fact that he dodged the vasectomy bullet, or should I say scalpel!).  Whilst it seemed a drastic move, the consultant was happy to do it and happy to put me on HRT so I didn’t plummet into menopause at 37.  I’d had all the children I wanted (two’s enough for me!) and there seemed no good reason to keep them.. the ovaries – not the children!  I also wanted to give my mum (and my family) some peace of mind that I wasn’t going to have the battle she had… at least not in this part of my body.

So, by the summer of the following year (2013), I went into hospital to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed by keyhole surgery.  It wasn’t a decision I made lightly, but it was the best one for me and I never had any doubts about what I was about to do.  Oh, apart from when they started wheeling me along on the bed down to the Ear, Nose and Throat Theatre.  My husband asked them a little concerned ” You do realise she’s having her ovaries out don’t you?”.

I was fortunate that the surgery went well, and apart from a small infection in one of the incision sites afterwards (and I couldn’t drink for a week!!) I made a quick recovery.  The HRT I’d been prescribed seemed to hit the spot and gave me no problems whatsoever.  But not everyone is the same, so this is something that needs to be considered very carefully and monitored.

I’ve never looked back since having it done. I must admit, it’s strange not to have any kind of cycle – and I still don’t know if I have one on an emotional level (my husband would say ‘YES’) but I certainly don’t miss them.  When I’m 51, I will slowly come off of the HRT and allow myself to go into the menopause gently… like walking down a hill, instead of jumping off a cliff at age 37.

What sits well with me, without sounding morbid, is that Mum left this world knowing that I wouldn’t be going through the same battle that she unfortunately lost.

To find out more on ovarian cancer visit the NHS website;

https://www.nhs.uk/be-clear-on-cancer/symptoms/ovarian-cancer

Symptoms to look out are;

  • feeling full quickly or loss of appetite.
  • pelvic or stomach pain.
  • needing to pee urgently or more frequently than normal.
  • changes in bowel habit.
  • extreme fatigue (feeling very tired)
  • unexplained weight loss.

 

Until next time,

Love and hugs from TOMD xxx

 

Writing ‘My Story’! Intro week of ‘Get Excited About Your Life’

blackboard chalk chalkboard concept
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This week I started my Introduction or ‘On Boarding’ for my new course ‘Get Excited About Your Life’.  This is a course which will help me to look at key points of my life and help me to move my mindset to a positive place which will inevitably help my business.

We’ve had a few actions to take on for this introduction week – one being to do a Facebook Live to our group.  Now, for me it was fine as I’m a complete show off, but for some of the ladies in my group it was a real baptism of fire… and they all nailed it!

The other big task for the week was to write ‘My Story’.  No rules, no template to follow… just write my story as I ‘feel it’.  This will be used as the basis of my 1:1 sessions with my mentor Andrea.

Jeeez! Where to start with that! How long should I make it?  How much detail is required?

I decided that I would tackle this after a meeting on Thursday.  I stayed on at the venue and made the most of the unlimited coffee and continental breakfast bar!   I powered up the laptop and started to type away.

Two hours later and I’d covered a lot of ground, revisiting lots of events in my life that I hadn’t thought about for a while, stuff to be proud about, stuff that I learned from and other situations in my life that still affect how I deal with situations today.

There was a point that I found incredibly hard to type about.  The experience losing Mum.  It’s amazing how my brain has managed to cope these last two and half years and almost put a lot of the feelings into a little filing cabinet so that I am able to function on a daily basis. Now and again though, the filing cabinet is opened and the documents come falling out… or the tears come falling down.

Being sat in the middle of a Brewsters crying at a laptop is not a good look so I made a hasty exit.

When I got home I managed to finish my story, warts and all and submitted it to Andrea.

After putting it all out there I thought I would feel like a weight had been lifted, but for a little while, the opposite happened.  I felt heavy and filled with anxiety! The following day I couldn’t catch my breath and just felt generally shitty!  Was this meant to happen after baring all in a word document?

That night I was due to go out with hubby for the night, and whilst I really just wanted to join my son and put my pj’s on at 6pm, but instead I got dolled up and went out.  I’m so glad I did.  Spending some much overdue time with my man was just the tonic (with Gin) that I needed!

Since then I have felt much better and I’m really looking forward to working through all the aspects that make me who I am and turning it into positive mindset.

The course is all about putting yourself out there, having belief in what you’re doing and owning it. I have no doubt that by the end of the 13 weeks we will all be nailing it and completely owning it!

I hope you will follow along with me on the journey!

Until next time,

 

Love and hugs,

TOMD xxx

If you’d like to more about the course I am doing – check out Andrea Callanan on Facebook…. https://www.facebook.com/AndreaCallananVoice/

 

Bras, Boobs and You!

This weekend  I had the wonderful job of going to M&S to get our teen re-fitted for a new bra.  She will not thank me in the slightest for telling you that! What fascinates me is that there are just so many there to chose from… Underwire, balcony, plunge, minimiser, T-shirt, sports, strapless, backless, multiway… and that’s just the few off the top of my head!

The money stats surrounding the bra industry are pretty jaw dropping too…

The UK lingerie market is now valued at $3.18bn (£2.47bn), according to the latest industry figures from Euromonitor’s Passport database.  The market has grown 0.7% on last year and accounts for 22% of the women’s underwear market in Western Europe, which grew 1.3% in 2016 to exceed $14.3bn (£11bn).

This got me thinking about the whole fascination with boobs!  Just go back to the 70’s… when every other joke on Benny Hill revolved around how well endowed the women were… or little Babs Windsor with her well endowed chest in the Carry On films. How different it was back then huh?!

However you view them, boobs play a big part in a woman’s life… big or small!  Even at the early development of those little rosebuds, that would kill when a little dickhead at school would accidentally on purpose elbow you in them.  This would be shortly followed by the excitement of getting your first bra and believing you had now entered the big world of womanhood!

Then there’s the amazing job they do in feeding our babies.  From swelling up during pregnancy to having your milk come in and feeling like you could easily pass as Dolly Parton’s niece… or great niece even! How old is Dolly these days?

Breastfeeding is a different story for everyone.  Some women could literally feed a village with the amount of milk they express, others find it impossible to get a bottle’s worth out!  And then there’s the tremendous amount of pain and anxiety they can cause new mothers too.  Not everyone has a great time of it when they decide to breastfeed and difficulties with feeding can lead to pain and guilt.

Unfortunately, there’s a very serious side when it comes to our boobies.

We also have to be mindful of checking our boobs regularly for signs of any changes.  Hands up who does this monthly without fail? I wish I could confidently put my hand up, but I am guilty of just having a prod and a poke every now and then when I remember! Whilst I know about the visual changes I should look for, I’m not so good at checking what’s going on underneath the surface!

As I was stood in the changing room with Ellie, I couldn’t help but think about my mum.  It’s pretty obvious that my daughter has been blessed… or cursed (whichever way you want to look at it) with the genes of her Nan which seemed to skip straight past me and right onto her.  Being in an adult’s bra’s (the ones with nine hooks at the back!) at age 13 is a bit shocking, both physically for her and on the wallet for me! No more 2 for £20 offer on here!  She also has such a slight frame (being blessed with a figure like her paternal Nan) that getting her boob scaffolding right at this developmental age is vital.

My mum, being small in stature, suffered with sore shoulders and backache due to the weight she had to carry up front! In 1994, her GP referred her to Bristol and after consultation, she underwent a bust reduction.  What transpired was not expected.

They had found pre-cancerous cells in her left breast in what they had taken away.  This was back in 1994, and what they had to offer then, was probably very different to what would happen now.  Mum was offered what was effectively a tummy tuck, and what they took away from her tummy would be put inside her left breast.  Long story short, this operation didn’t work.  The stomach muscle rejected and mum was in hospital for a total of five weeks following a complication with a blood clot.

This happened at a crazy time of my life. I was 18, at the end of college completing my exams and about to go straight into the local hospital as a trainee medical secretary. I remember swotting for exams on daily trips up to Bristol to visit Mum.

I don’t ever remember seeing Mum get upset about what she’d been through, she kept that to herself behind her bedroom door.  I can’t even begin to imagine how she must’ve felt. She would’ve been 45 at the time, only a few years older than I am now and even though this hadn’t developed into cancer cells, the 10% chance they gave her was enough for her to decide she didn’t want to take the risk.

Instead, what I do remember is my Mum being the crazy, lovable, life loving lady, who would now and again get her chicken fillet prosthesis out at parties and make everyone laugh with her wicked wit!

I want to be just like her when I grow up!

Mum was lucky to have her abnormalities picked up at the time of her operation – a blessing in disguise. When it comes to checking your boobs, don’t leave it to chance. If you think something isn’t right, go straight to the GP and insist on a check-up.

Until next time,

Love and Hugs xxx

For advice on checking your breasts for cancer, visit: https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/information-support/have-i-got-breast-cancer/checking-your-breasts

For information on signs and symptoms of breast cancer, visit  https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/breast-cancer/symptoms/

Soul Searching & Taking Action!

I swear to God, my head has been a crazy frenzy since the weekend!

Soul Searching…

Sunday of last week, the day after I attended ‘The Scaling Summit’, I had a long hard think about what I wanted to do on this new path of self employment.  I’d had thoughts the day before about re-igniting my blog that I’d set up last summer, and the workshop certainly gave me some inner belief to follow my dream.

So, taking the bull by the horns, on Sunday night I sat and wrote a blog all about my experience on Saturday… of how these three women I have never met before managed to get into my soul and make me think about achievements in my life that I’d buried deep, not really giving them any significance.  There was this huge emotional pull from that day that if you believe it, you can do it.  It was like they could see all my insecurities better than I could… probably because it’s the same insecurities that most of the women in the room had…

Am I good enough?

Can I really do this?

I feel like an imposter.

So, once the blog was complete I decided to post it out.  Admittedly, it was a little late for many people to see it, but figured what the heck!  What I didn’t expect was the wonderful response almost immediately from the hosts from the day Andrea and Emma, who loved what I had done and asked permission to share it.  What also followed was lots of lovely comments from the ladies that attended, saying how well I had articulated the day and put out there exactly how they felt.

My god!  Little old me did that!  To say I was buzzing was an understatement.  Hubby was already in bed asleep, but I made sure I was moving around loud enough that he stirred and I then promptly told him what had happened!

A Renewed Vigour

Come Monday morning, the blog had received even more views and lovely comments.  I was starting to shut up the voices in my head telling me there is no way I should waste my time on developing this blog idea further.

I’ve re-evaluated my business goals and what I want out of my new business as a social media manager (Social in Somerset).  I already have a client that I do business support and social media for and I want to help SME’s with their social media platforms – setting them up, putting together a strategy and consulting them on how to get going.  However, I’ve made the big decision that I want one more long term client and my other big client will be… ME!   I need to treat myself like I would a client in order to make this happen.

The other thing I’ve been doing over this last week is listening to audio book ‘Mum Boss’ by Vicki Psarias.  Her words of wisdom have spurred me on to take make some changes in the way I do things.

So far I have;

  • Created a lovely little desk space for me to work at during the day.  It really helps to have a designated work environment.
  • Joined a local running group to ensure I get some much needed adult interaction now that I’m working from home, and hopefully I will re-discover my love for running while I’m at it!
  • Ensure I listen to my body and practice self-care.  My monthly Reiki sessions started back up this week and I was booked in for first thing Monday morning! It was heaven!
  • I make sure I take regular breaks and don’t feel guilty about it. Sometimes, it might be a walk with the dog to clear my head, or I have been known to set the alarm on my phone and have a half hour disco nap!
  • I also try and get up before everyone else does to get something done, even if its a peaceful cup of tea.  Usually I would only get up to do a workout, but now on rest days, or days where I’m doing something later, I still get up 40 minutes before the rest of the family – it’s BLISS!

 

Taking Action…

I’m pretty good at the art of procrastinating… I have the good intentions but they are never fully completed… my hubby calls me ‘Half-a-Job Bob’!  Well enough of that!  I have taken some big steps this week.  I have;

  • Booked a new networking event targeted at ladies in business within the county of Somerset. If I want to work with businesses in the ‘well woman’ arena then that’s where I need to be.
  • Booked some training on using mobile video for social media – not just for me, but as part of my social media management business, I want to be able to show companies how to do this for themselves.
  • Met with a graphic designer who is going to re-invigorate my website and logo to make it look kick-ass!

I find if I don’t overthink it and just do it, it will get done! Putting it all out here for you to read is also a big push… cause I really don’t want to come back in one or two year’s time in the same position as I am right now!

The time has come to stop thinking and start doing!

Until next time,

Love and hugs xxx

💗📖

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