For a couple of weeks, Hubby and I have been planning to have some ‘time out’ together – to gather our sanity, regroup and let loose! Nothing too extravagant – a night away in Bristol which is an hour up the road, some drinks, something to eat… more drinks!
Turned out that my wonderful Dad was able to stay overnight with the kids on Thursday of this week, so that was our perfect opportunity to ‘escape’ for exactly 24 hours! We were soooo looking forward to it! However, the events of Wednesday night were about to throw a big fat spanner in the works.
I mentioned in an earlier blog that Ellie is really going through it at the moment and is having regular major meltdowns. This is usually triggered by something food related such as me not able to confirm what time we’re having tea (or ‘dinner’ if you’re a bit posh!) which then escalates into rants of “you don’t understand me”, “what have I done?”, “I hate having Aspergers”, “I hate you”, “IDIOT”… all because I said she couldn’t eat yet more food! Wednesday night was no different!
Ellie is yet to learn the art of negotiation. If she’d given me the puppy dog eyes and asked again, I may have caved… but going straight to meltdown definitely isn’t going to do it. This is a 12 year old, not a toddler! So, my decision had to be stuck to… and that decision meant we endured a good hour and a half of raging. I kept my shit together for most of it. Hubby was starting to lose his mind and took himself out to the ‘garage’ (which has been converted into a bar/workshop/workout area) to retain his sanity.
Right at the end though, I couldn’t take anymore. You know the feeling, it comes out before you can stop it… but then as you’re having the rant, it feels really good to just let it all out! If I’m going to get shouted at for an hour then F*ck it, I’m going to have a go! I even threw in a “I’ve ‘f*cking’ had enough” so she knew I was serious (‘bloody’ doesn’t cut the mustard anymore!).
I went into my son to apologise for the shouting. He gave me a big hug and reassured me. When shit hits the fan, this little fella always knows how to make my heart sing… and then I feel guilty for that! Hubby regularly reminds me of how he was a little shit when he was a toddler (our son that is!) and how if he was first, we may not have had any more!!
I also felt really guilty for feeling good about losing it. What kind of mother am I?
The guilt took over even more! How the hell could we leave the next day for our escape now? It would look like we are leaving to get away from Ellie. She already thinks every little action is about her, I didn’t want to add to her many insecurities. On the other hand, we really needed some time out, otherwise we were in danger of losing ‘even more’ marbles and resenting Ellie for us not going!!
In the early hours of Thursday morning I felt I was caught between a rock and a hard place with no winner whatever we did.
Then I came up with a master plan!
Hubby will come home early from work as planned, to ‘surprise’ mummy with a night away and granddad will turn up just at the right moment to stay overnight. Genius! No stressing all day about who is looking after her, how long we would be gone for, are we ever coming back, what is she going to do while we are gone etc etc! There was literally half hour between the ‘surprise’ and us skipping and jumping out the door to the train station!! My acting was superb, if I do say so myself!
Thankfully, they were good as gold for granddad while we were gone and we had a much needed night out – drinking cocktails, eating junk and having a laugh.
It’s taken from the time we got home at 5.00pm yesterday until right now at 11.00am as I secretly type this blog, for the first ‘post escape’ meltdown! I don’t even know what it is about to be honest. I’ve heard, “I can watch what I like and you can’t stop me” and “IDIOT” shouted down the stairs with the odd scream. We’ve had the “have I been good this morning” altercation which I’m screwed on because whichever answer I give I am on a loser. I gave the answer “yes, you’ve been lovely this morning”. WRONG ANSWER!!
When our beautiful girl is calm, she is wonderful… but when she can’t cope and loses it, I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. At least, after having some time out with hubby, I may not enjoy a rant today!
Until next time
Love and hugs xx
For reference… this is our Bar! Not bad eh?!
One thought on “The Guilt Trip! Wanting ‘time out’, enjoying a rant and other things…”
Glad you had a nice break, you both deserve some me time. I have nothing but admiration for the way you and Andy cope it can’t be easy. Carry on with these blogs it gives us a real insight into what you have to cope with on a daily basis and all with a lovely smile on your face xx
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