It’s not often I will do this (I hope) but I’ve had a crappy morning and my first instinct was to bash out a blog. The whole point of me doing this – along with telling our story, was to get off my chest all things I would want to talk to my mum about (double meaning to the blog you see) so hopefully after this I will feel better… otherwise I may need a trip to the local bakery as it’s a little early for wine (unless you’re in an airport!).
So the morning started in a familiar way – sleepy hubby, crazy dog, chirpy son, mildly grumpy daughter… but today is a different day – which is usually not a good thing. It’s non-school uniform day and Glastongrove Music Festival (taking place at school for the last lesson of the day going into the evening – family can attend after school).
So first we have the drama of whether Ellie looks nice in her chosen outfit. She’d made a really good choice and she looked lovely. I could handle the constant asking if it was done in a nice tone of voice, but Ellie’s default setting is sarcastic/angry/loud and hyper negative so her repeatingly barking at us “do I look nice?” wears a bit thin at 7.30am!
I maybe made the mistake of suggesting that it would sound a lot nicer if she said ‘how do I look’ (said in a much gentler tone!) to which she attempted to repeat it, one angry version, one sarcastic version and one upset version. After moving on quickly from that, I dared to check if she’d done her deodorant and perfume (as she’d worn perfume the previous day). Well, that sparked a lot of angry shouting saying I was ‘forcing her to wear perfume’. WTF!!!! So I told her I didn’t care either way to which she screamed “I WILL!”. Trying to keep calm, I walked away.
So the next little speed bump this morning was the the whole music festival thing. Ellie wants us all to go, but at the same time, doesn’t want us to go and she simply can’t cope with that emotion. She told me “I’m gonna be kinda embarrassed when you and Dad turn up later” so I said (still calm) “That’s fine, I’m happy not to come” to which she yelled – “BUT I WANT YOU TO COME”. That too-ed and fro-ed for a bit… all going on whilst trying to get out the door for school! I dare not ask if she’s done her teeth yet, but I do! Not my best decision!
What followed was a lot of stamping, kicking things (because she is, quote; ‘so angry’), muttering, saying negative things about herself and all the while I just want to scream my head off… and I nearly got there a couple of times… the volume in the house was definitely rising this morning! Thankfully, our little eight-year old was being a little angel… they do that on purpose to piss the other sibling off, but I’m not complaining! I felt awful that I couldn’t wait to drop her off at school.
Now, I get that ‘Tweens’ & ‘Teens’ can be miserable, hormonal sods that make you want to chop your own head off… but what I struggle with is the whole negative, anxiety part that autism throws in with it. Blowing up over the smallest thing. Every bit of my response is super analysed and seen as negative, however I say it and whatever I say.
I mentioned in my last blog about how we used Kinesiology when Ellie was small to find out if any foods were bothering her and that she’d done a few things lately that didn’t sit right with me. Well, I have an appointment with Ellie later this afternoon to see the same lady. I haven’t told her yet though… it’s just easier to tell her 5 minutes before we leave!
Is it wrong that part of me wants her to find something? We know that if there is too much of something in Ellie’s body it can effect her brain function. It’s not going to take the Autism away but it might help with the occasional weird eye flicking, the stuttering and not being able to get words out. The only thing is, if she has to cut out crisps, we’ll be in for another meltdown!
Best check the wine fridge!
Until next time…
Love & Hugs xx